Why Do Perpetrators Abuse?

Domestic abuse is always a choice, not a loss of control.
Perpetrators behave abusively for many interconnected reasons — none of which excuse the behaviour, but all of which help us understand and prevent it.

1. Power and Control – Abuse is rooted in entitlement.
   Many perpetrators believe they have the right to control, dominate, or punish their partner.
   This is the core of coercive control.
2. Learned Behaviours – Abusive behaviours are often learned in childhood.
   If someone grows up seeing:
   violence
   • disrespect
   • emotional manipulation
   • gender inequality
   they may learn to normalise these behaviours in adulthood.
3. Misogyny and Gender Norms – In societies where men are taught they must be in charge, and women must obey or please, abuse thrives.
   Perpetrators use violence or control to enforce these beliefs.
4. Lack of Accountability- Many perpetrators repeat the same patterns because there were:
   no consequences
   • no challenges from family or community
   • minimisation (“he was stressed”)
   • excuses (“she made me angry”)
   Accountability changes behaviour — silence enables it.
5. Insecurity and Fragile Ego – Some perpetrators use abuse to mask deep insecurities.
   Threats, jealousy, control, and isolation become tools to stop a partner from leaving or becoming independent.
6. Desire for Ownership – Perpetrators often view partners as property.
   This belief drives:
   stalking
   • monitoring
   • checking phones
   • controlling clothing
   • controlling money
   • restricting friendships
7. Emotional Immaturity – Many perpetrators lack healthy coping mechanisms.
   Instead of communication, they use:
   anger
   • intimidation
   • withdrawal
   • stonewalling
   • threats
8. Substance Misuse (a contributing factor, not a cause) – Alcohol or drugs may escalate existing violence, but they do not create abusive men.
   Abusive behaviour is already there.

Most important truth:

Perpetrators abuse because it works for them.
It gives them power, control, compliance, access, and domination.
It is a pattern — not a mistake.

Ending abuse requires us to:
✔ hold perpetrators accountable
✔ challenge attitudes that excuse or minimise harm
✔ empower women to recognise early signs
✔ educate communities
✔ remove secrecy and silence

Domestic abuse is never the victim’s fault.
The responsibility always lies with the perpetrator.