Abuse is an insidious reality that too many people live with, often shrouded in silence and misunderstanding. At Severn Angels Housing & Support (SAHS), we know how complex the question “Why didn’t you leave?” can be. Each story of survival is unique, wrapped in deep-rooted fears, social pressures, and personal battles. Here, we explore why so many stay and what steps can be taken to seek help.
Why I Stayed- A Personal Reflection of The Hidden Realities of Abusive Relationships
I Stayed Because of Cultural Expectations
In many cultures, marriage is viewed as sacred, and divorce is equated with failure. I stayed in my abusive marriage because I feared the stigma of being labelled a home-wrecker. The pressure to maintain a “perfect” union felt overwhelming, even at the cost of my own well-being. Walking away meant facing judgment from my family and community, which felt almost as terrifying as the abuse itself.
I Stayed for the Children
I believed that keeping the family together was better for my children, even if it meant sacrificing my safety. The fear of disrupting their lives, taking them away from the only home they knew, and facing the emotional turmoil kept me tethered to an unhealthy relationship. I convinced myself that enduring the pain was worth protecting them from the harsh reality.
I Stayed Because I Didn’t Know Where to Get Help
I felt trapped and unsure of where to seek support. The thought of starting over, finding reliable help, and navigating unknown resources felt impossible. I stayed because reaching out seemed more daunting than staying put.
I Stayed Because of the Threats
I stayed because he would say, “If you leave, I’ll make sure you never see the children again.” Those words kept me bound in fear. The possibility of losing my children, being separated from them, or having them taken from me was a risk I couldn’t bear to take.
I Stayed Because I Didn’t Recognise It as Abuse
I didn’t know what I was experiencing was abuse. It wasn’t until I stumbled across information about domestic violence that I realized the descriptions matched my life. The control, the belittling, the physical harm—it was all there. Before then, I thought it was just how things were. It was my normal, and I couldn’t see it for what it truly was.
I Stayed Because of Fear for My Life and My Children
I stayed because he threatened to kill me and my children if I even considered leaving. The fear was suffocating, knowing that his anger could turn deadly. The possibility of violence and harm hung over me like a dark cloud, making me believe that staying was the only way to keep my children and myself safe.
I Stayed Because of Fear No One Would Believe Me
I stayed because I was terrified no one would believe me if I shared what I was going through. My ex-husband was a pillar of the community, known for his generosity, helpful nature, and respectability. He was the type of person everyone admired. My friends and family would constantly remind me how lucky I was. One of my friends even once said she wished she had a husband like him. They didn’t see the horror that unfolded behind closed doors, and I felt utterly alone in my reality.
I Stayed Out of Fear of the Police
Trusting the authorities felt like a risk I couldn’t take. I worried that reporting my husband would lead to more violence or that the police wouldn’t take my complaints seriously. The fear of retaliation kept me from seeking protection, trapping me in a cycle of silence.
I Stayed Because of Religious Expectations
I stayed with my ex-husband for so long because he was the pastor and leader of our church. We were the model family, the ones people looked up to as an example of a perfect life. Leaving him felt unimaginable; it would shatter the community’s perception of us. I knew that if I left, I would be labelled the one who was possessed by evil spirits, the person who brought ruin to the leader’s family. In our church, that kind of judgment would be relentless and isolating.
I Stayed Because My Immigration Status Depended on Him
My visa was tied to my husband’s status. The fear of deportation and being separated from my children was used against me as leverage. He would remind me that leaving meant risking everything, my home, my children, my life in the UK. The threat felt too powerful to challenge.
I Stayed Because of Financial Dependence
Financial control left me feeling powerless. He handled the money, so I had no means of supporting myself or my children. The fear of homelessness and hunger paralysed me. The thought of leaving and facing financial uncertainty made staying feels like the safer choice.
I Stayed Because of Social and Religious Pressure
My place of worship never discussed domestic abuse. Because no one talked about it, I didn’t want to be the first to admit it was happening to me. My husband was even a leader in our community, making it feel impossible to leave without being judged as the one in the wrong or labelled as spiritually weak.
I Stayed Because of Emotional Manipulation
He told me that everything was my fault, that I provoked him, that I deserved it. Over time, I started to believe him. Guilt and shame kept me bound to the relationship, convinced that if I could just do better, everything would improve. But that change never came, and I stayed in a cycle of self-blame.
I Stayed Because I Was Gay
As a member of the LGBTQ+ community, I feared that reporting the abuse would not be taken seriously. I was unsure whether people would understand or support me. The stigma and potential misunderstanding added another layer of silence and isolation to my experience.
I Stayed Because of Religious Teachings
Religion played a significant role in my decision to stay. Our faith did not support divorce, and leaving was seen as defying God’s will. I felt immense pressure and guilt, torn between protecting myself and upholding my spiritual beliefs. I was bound by the oath I took in marriage — “Till death do us part.” This commitment weighed heavily on me, making it difficult to reconcile the abuse I was experiencing with the promise I made.
I Stayed Because of Social Expectations
Society’s pressure to maintain a facade kept me quiet. We looked like the perfect couple, and I didn’t want to be the one who shattered that image. I feared being judged, blamed, or pitied for “letting it happen.”
I Stayed Because I Felt Alone
Isolation is one of the most powerful tools an abuser has. I felt disconnected from friends and family, convinced that no one would understand. The abuse built walls between me and the rest of the world, leaving me feeling like there was no safe way out.
I Stayed Because of Language Barriers
Navigating a foreign system without speaking fluent English made everything harder. I felt misunderstood and out of place, unable to advocate for myself. The system felt impenetrable, and I feared being lost in it.
I Stayed Because I Believed I Could Change Him
Every time he apologised and promised to change, I clung to hope. I wanted to believe that things would be different, that love and patience would bring back the person I once knew. But cycles of abuse are insidious, making it hard to see that promises are empty when patterns repeat.
I stayed because of the fear of the shame I would bring to my family by divorcing my violent and abusive husband
He was a very close family member, chosen by my father, and leaving him meant sacrificing my entire family and support network, as well as facing the consequences of my decision. I also feared the dangers that might unfold if I left, which would mean involving the police. This, in turn, would upset my family and parents even further by bringing outside authorities into our personal matters. The stress of all this, the shame, the loss, and the potential backlash, made staying with my violent and abusive husband feel like the only option.
These are just a few of the many complex reasons why women remain in abusive relationships. Every “I stayed because…” carries profound emotional, physical, and psychological weight. Understanding these reasons is key to offering compassion, support, and practical help.
What Can You Do If You’re Experiencing Abuse? Leaving an abusive relationship is challenging, but help is available. At Severn Angels Housing & Support (SAHS), we believe in empowering women to take that first step toward safety. Here are some ways to seek support –
- Reach Out for Help and Trust in Support Systems.
- Stay Connected: Rebuild and maintain connections with friends, family, or trusted individuals who can provide emotional support.
- Seek Legal and Financial Aid: Educate yourself on your rights and available financial assistance to help you transition toward independence.
A Call to Action for Family and Friends: If you suspect someone is in an abusive relationship, approach them with empathy and without judgment. Understand that leaving is complex and may involve setbacks. Be patient, listen, and remind them that support is available when they’re ready.
Resources for Support:
- Emergency: Call 999 if in immediate danger.
- National Domestic Abuse Helpline (24 hours): 0808 2000 247
- Refuge’s National Domestic Abuse Helpline (England): 0808 2000 24
- Men’s Advice Line (for male victims): 0808 801 0327 or info@mensadviceline.org.uk
- Southall Black Sisters (support for minoritised women): 0208 571 0800
- Galop (support for LGBT+ individuals): 0800 999 5428 or help@galop.org.uk
- Bright Sky App: Download for safety planning and resources.
- Karma Nirvana (support for honour-based abuse): 0800 5999 247
- Victim Support: Offers services to help manage life after abuse -08081689111
- Rights of Women: Free legal advice and information on Violence against Women and Girls (VAWG).
- Women’s Aid: Live chat and helpline at helpline@womensaid.org.uk
To Those Still Enduring:
Your reasons are valid, and your right to safety and happiness is equally important. The path out may be challenging, but it is possible. At SAHS, we encourage everyone to seek out local and national support networks mentioned above that can offer help. Remember, there are organisations ready to stand by you and guide you toward a life free from fear.
